Reminiscing

A year ago, this was when everything started. I had liked you for awhile, but this weekend was when I learned that you liked me too. I felt so exhilarated, so free. That newfound knowledge was enough to spur me on to call you. It was the beginning. I had no way of knowing how deeply I would love you. I was too busy walking on clouds.

And now, a year later, this is a reminder of the end. An unending circle. Now, I can barely stand to be in the same room as you. I have so much anger and hurt. I worry this experience ... this heartbreak ... will be the one that I can't get over. I already have so much shit in my head.

Why does the beginning sting?

When things were beautiful

Screw you

How dare you yell at me at work!! I never raised my voice. I spoke in a calm manner. I was upset, fuming even, but I kept my composure. But you yelled at me! Take some damn responsibility! You screwed up. You broke your promise. You chose not to tell me in a timely fashion. What did you expect? You placated me for months with this request, always saying there would be a next time. Well, now there isn't. This was a work thing. It had nothing to do with our personal relationship. You knew how important this was to me. But instead of being proactive and heading off the confusion and hurt, you waited 'til I realized what happened and then projected your hostility on me while we're standing in an open room with the doors wide open. You're such a jerk. Fuck off.

A dream

You were in my dream yesterday. It was autumn and you were wearing your gray jacket. You came up behind me and wrapped your arms around my waist. I remember feeling so happy to be close to you. You told me that you realized what a mistake you had made. You told me you were ready to come back to me, that you'd worked through your demons. I asked you how I knew this wouldn't happen again. I remember feeling regret the instant I asked the question -- afraid it would reverse all your progress -- but I had to know. You didn't have an answer.

Humor on a Sunday

True that!

Some days

Some days are better than others. Today isn't the best of days. But, even in the sorrow, these songs make me smile. Perhaps it is because I can relate? Enjoy.

Life as a graduate student (II)

AREC Tour

After a whirlwind few days on the AREC tour, I'm so happy to be back. It boggles my mind how many students within my department have limited, if any, knowledge of agricultural practices. I guess that's what happens when you work all day in a lab under fluorescent light. Potentially more challenging than being outside in 95 degree heat and humidity was trying to eat a hardshell crab! I was exhausted after consuming just one!!

The real reason(s) for the breakup

After post-birthday kisses (and the confusion that followed), we had a chat about what was going on. I went through my analysis of the situation -- why the relationship ended, what causes forced that conclusion, why we're in the state we are now -- and, at the end, he looked at me with this sad, melancholy look. 

"I feel like I'm diseased," he said. "If I let you too much in here," he touched his chest, "I'm going to infect you." I stared at him, not knowing what to say, but understanding. "I'm so angry to be at this point in my life ..." He stared off into space.

"... to have it all unraveling," I finished for him.

[The relationship didn't end because there was something wrong with it. We both acknowledged that the feelings are still there: the love, compassion, honesty, longing. His inability to be emotionally available to me is a result of all the other shit going on. His whole life is in flux right now. He could lose everything he's worked so hard for -- his home, his financial stability, his pride. He is frustrated by his directionless and disconnected son. He is frustrated by his aging mother -- another child, in a way, since she requires so much assistance with day-to-day things like paperwork. He is constantly stressed about his mentally unstable ex, who alternately threatens to ruin his life and kill everyone in the family.]

"I know the ship is sinking," I said. "but I wanted to be your life preserver. The thing you clung to to keep from going under." I looked at him and grinned. "But you shouted, 'Save yourself!' "

Wisdom from Absurdity

I recently read "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking-Glass" by Lewis Carroll and would like to share some of the wisdom Alice acquires during her adventures.  Enjoy!

"Cheshire-Puss," she began, rather timidly ... "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

"I don't much care where ---" said Alice.

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

... "Visit either you like; they're both mad."

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat.

"Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

"I've had nothing yet," Alice replied in an offended tone, "so I can't take more."

"You mean you can't take less," said the Hatter, "it's very easy to take more than nothing."

"Well, in our country," said Alice, still panting a little, "you'd generally get to somewhere else -- if you ran very fast for a long time as we've been doing."

"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"

"I know what you're thinking about," said Tweedledum, "but it isn't so, nohow."

"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't so, it ain't. That's logic."

Thank you (sarcasm)

Thank you for not answering your phone again. I've grown so accustomed to your voicemail that I don't know what I'd say if you actually picked up. Thank you for letting me down again. I really enjoy the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the panicked nausea, that accompanies the realization that I mean nothing to you. Thank you for reminding me, in your calm exasperated tone, that I cannot garner any more answers from you because you don't have them to offer. I still fail to understand how any of this makes any friggin' sense, so excuse me for trying to find clarity. Thank you for adding to the self-deprecating stuff in my head. I needed a few more issues to consult with a shrink. Thank you for ripping away the best happiness I've ever felt. The excruciating pain that has taken its place is comforting. Thank you for making my every day life a living hell. I love the interactions that further emphasize you have no concern for me, my well being or our friendship. What a wonderful way to return all my love and affection. Thanks.

Love song snippets

And, baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun ....

(Poker Face by Lady Gaga)

But I knew you best, back when love was just a feeling that ran out between my legs onto the, back of my dress ....

(Two Steps Forward by Emmy the Great)

I'm gonna need a forklift cause all the baggage weighs a ton. I know we've had our problems, I can't remember one ....

(Almost by Bowling For Soup)

Picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight ... Am I supposed to be happy? With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price ....

(Cat and Mouse by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

But I hate that I love you so ... But no one in this world knows me the way you know me, so you'll probably always have a spell on me ....

(Hate That I Love You by Rihanna)

Here's to the men we love to love. Here's to the men in love with us. Here's to the men who pass on us. Fuck the men ....

(A Toast To Men by Willa Ford)

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?

(If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow)

If you love me, say it ... if you want me, show it ... you see now actions speak louder than words, so don't just say things that I've already heard ....

(If You Love Me by Brownstone)

Sand-ity for the soul

I'm a firm believer that, in order to put things in perspective and evaluate life, you need to walk away from it. You need to pack your bags and travel somewhere else. By completely removing yourself from the situation and "forcing" yourself to relax, you find that things aren't as bad as they seem. 

For me, the epiphany that the man I love no longer exists -- and subsequently, that I need to stop talking to him as if he and I are still happily together -- came within moments of arriving at a South Carolina beach. Perhaps therapists should encourage this type of session, rather than reclining on a couch and talking to a wall!  

Six word memoirs

While looking at this fabulous website about food, I found a post about "six word memoirs". Below are some of my favorites (in no particular order):

1) Never did read the owner's manual.

2) Forgot what I wanted to say.

3) Tried writing about love; vomited everywhere.

4) I will still complete my dissertation.

5) A girl can keep dreaming, right?

6) Drunk on life. Now in rehab.

7) Evolution is the price of immortality.

8) I love you doesn't mean forever.

I think mine would be: Bitter with baggage seeks happiness, love.

Then again, it could just as easily be: Thanks but I didn't order water.  [In reference to if the the glass is half empty or half full.] 

Love is a battlefield

I don't understand how you could have stayed in a failing marriage for several years -- hell, she was f-ing crazy and no medicine could help her -- yet you killed our perfectly healthy relationship after 2 weeks of deliberation. What lies do you tell yourself? Do you watch the resulting destruction (emotional explosions, memory land mines, and toxic conversations) with a sense of awe? Amazed that love can turn into something so ugly, given enough pain? Or do you hang your head, awaiting the silence of our relationship's death? I know regret is in there somewhere too. You can't tell me that I'm the most important thing in your life, the one thing that makes you happy, and then feel nothing when you destroy my heart. I didn't peg you for a sociopath.

"What is a Soulmate" by Emily Matthews

If you have found a smile

that is the sweetest one you've known,

If you have heard, within a voice,

the echoes of your own,

If you have felt a touch

that stirs the longings of your heart,

And still can feel that closeness

in the moments you're apart,

If you have filled with wonder

at the way two lives can blend,

To weave a perfect pattern

that is seamless, end to end,

If you believe some things in life

are simply meant to be,

Then you have found your soulmate,

your heart's own destiny.

Nothing like the brochure: part 1

I've often wondered why instruction manuals aren't given out at birth. That way, when you encounter a make-or-break-you kind of challenge, you have the wisdom of all those who came before me. It seems ridiculous to be tossed into the world without this sort of ancestral knowledge. Hell, other animals have this preprogrammed! [Migration routes, mating rituals, etc.]

So what sorts of topics should be included in this instruction manual? The basic things we all strive to achieve: Love. Health. Happiness. That's it. Necessities that, while influenced by technology and current politics, are fundamentally unchanged. 

Life -- it sure ain't nothing like the brochure!

Feelin' the country music

I heard this song on the radio lately and loved it!

Science personality test

In 2005, The Science Advisory Board developed a personality test for scientists. It was published in Science, Nature, and a plethora of other journals. Although the personality test has since been removed from the TSAB website, I thought the breakdown of archetypal researchers merited a few cynical comments from a graduate student point of view.

Leader: When others follow, you lead [to the bar or events with free food]. During lab meetings, you suggest off-the-wall experiments that cause your labmates to roll their eyes and ignore you. Your PI applauds your creativity, but will claim your ideas as his own in grants and departmental functions. Your confidence in yourself will be crushed during prelims.

Explorer: You enjoy new terrain (non-research buildings) and adventures (undergrad parties). During lab meetings, you plan your next vacation while simultaneously reading the news. Your labmates think you're lazy, but you do just enough work to not get reprimanded. Your attitude: If it isn't broken, don't fix it.  

Organizer: You come to lab meetings with a list of updates and questions. You are frustrated that fellow graduate students take advantage of your generosity. Your PI treats you like the lab manager, but without the better pay or benefits. You debate whether you should've been a stay-at-home mom.

Enthusiast: You love science. Your workweek excels 40 hours by Wednesday and you never take vacation. During lab meetings, you're updating your lab notebook and planning out tomorrow's set of experiments. Your PI thinks your the model graduate student and loves giving you side projects. Watch out though -- You'll be burned out by the end of your 2nd year.

The value of concern

Against my better judgement, against the constant reminder red ribbon on my wrist, I talked to him. I don't know why I bother because the response is never what I want. I keep doing the same thing, beating a dead horse through conversation, expecting a different result. The very definition of insanity! I suppose it's because it's him. Every moment of every day, I miss him. I can't accept that he isn't (or won't be) part of my life because then the pain would be real. Denial allows me to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day. But the verbal diarrhea I have when I'm around him has got to stop! 

I told him I wished we didn't work together -- that not seeing each other would help me function. He told me that he is fine, he will be fine, but that he feels sorry for me. He regrets that our work environment isn't happy and jovial like it use to be. I felt the earth shift and the blood drain out of my face. How could he say that when he's the one who put me in this position? I have no where else to go and no one else to talk to. I stared at him for a moment and then said, "Don't tell me you feel sorry for me. I don't appreciate that." He threw his hands in the air and stormed out of the room. "Fine," he yelled, "I won't."