A year ago, this was when everything started. I had liked you for awhile, but this weekend was when I learned that you liked me too. I felt so exhilarated, so free. That newfound knowledge was enough to spur me on to call you. It was the beginning. I had no way of knowing how deeply I would love you. I was too busy walking on clouds.
And now, a year later, this is a reminder of the end. An unending circle. Now, I can barely stand to be in the same room as you. I have so much anger and hurt. I worry this experience ... this heartbreak ... will be the one that I can't get over. I already have so much shit in my head.
Why does the beginning sting?
September 10, 2009
How dare you yell at me at work!! I never raised my voice. I spoke in a calm manner. I was upset, fuming even, but I kept my composure. But you yelled at me! Take some damn responsibility! You screwed up. You broke your promise. You chose not to tell me in a timely fashion. What did you expect? You placated me for months with this request, always saying there would be a next time. Well, now there isn't. This was a work thing. It had nothing to do with our personal relationship. You knew how important this was to me. But instead of being proactive and heading off the confusion and hurt, you waited 'til I realized what happened and then projected your hostility on me while we're standing in an open room with the doors wide open. You're such a jerk. Fuck off.
September 07, 2009
You were in my dream yesterday. It was autumn and you were wearing your gray jacket. You came up behind me and wrapped your arms around my waist. I remember feeling so happy to be close to you. You told me that you realized what a mistake you had made. You told me you were ready to come back to me, that you'd worked through your demons. I asked you how I knew this wouldn't happen again. I remember feeling regret the instant I asked the question -- afraid it would reverse all your progress -- but I had to know. You didn't have an answer.