August 27, 2009

Some days

Some days are better than others. Today isn't the best of days. But, even in the sorrow, these songs make me smile. Perhaps it is because I can relate? Enjoy.

August 21, 2009


After a whirlwind few days on the AREC tour, I'm so happy to be back. It boggles my mind how many students within my department have limited, if any, knowledge of agricultural practices. I guess that's what happens when you work all day in a lab under fluorescent light. Potentially more challenging than being outside in 95 degree heat and humidity was trying to eat a hardshell crab! I was exhausted after consuming just one!!

August 16, 2009

The real reason(s) for the breakup

After post-birthday kisses (and the confusion that followed), we had a chat about what was going on. I went through my analysis of the situation -- why the relationship ended, what causes forced that conclusion, why we're in the state we are now -- and, at the end, he looked at me with this sad, melancholy look. 
"I feel like I'm diseased," he said. "If I let you too much in here," he touched his chest, "I'm going to infect you." I stared at him, not knowing what to say, but understanding. "I'm so angry to be at this point in my life ..." He stared off into space.
"... to have it all unraveling," I finished for him.

[The relationship didn't end because there was something wrong with it. We both acknowledged that the feelings are still there: the love, compassion, honesty, longing. His inability to be emotionally available to me is a result of all the other shit going on. His whole life is in flux right now. He could lose everything he's worked so hard for -- his home, his financial stability, his pride. He is frustrated by his directionless and disconnected son. He is frustrated by his aging mother -- another child, in a way, since she requires so much assistance with day-to-day things like paperwork. He is constantly stressed about his mentally unstable ex, who alternately threatens to ruin his life and kill everyone in the family.]

"I know the ship is sinking," I said. "but I wanted to be your life preserver. The thing you clung to to keep from going under." I looked at him and grinned. "But you shouted, 'Save yourself!' "

August 15, 2009

Wisdom from Absurdity

I recently read "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking-Glass" by Lewis Carroll and would like to share some of the wisdom Alice acquires during her adventures.  Enjoy!

"Cheshire-Puss," she began, rather timidly ... "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where ---" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

... "Visit either you like; they're both mad."
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat.

"Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.
"I've had nothing yet," Alice replied in an offended tone, "so I can't take more."
"You mean you can't take less," said the Hatter, "it's very easy to take more than nothing."

"Well, in our country," said Alice, still panting a little, "you'd generally get to somewhere else -- if you ran very fast for a long time as we've been doing."
"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"

"I know what you're thinking about," said Tweedledum, "but it isn't so, nohow."
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't so, it ain't. That's logic."

August 10, 2009

Thank you (sarcasm)

Thank you for not answering your phone again. I've grown so accustomed to your voicemail that I don't know what I'd say if you actually picked up. Thank you for letting me down again. I really enjoy the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the panicked nausea, that accompanies the realization that I mean nothing to you. Thank you for reminding me, in your calm exasperated tone, that I cannot garner any more answers from you because you don't have them to offer. I still fail to understand how any of this makes any friggin' sense, so excuse me for trying to find clarity. Thank you for adding to the self-deprecating stuff in my head. I needed a few more issues to consult with a shrink. Thank you for ripping away the best happiness I've ever felt. The excruciating pain that has taken its place is comforting. Thank you for making my every day life a living hell. I love the interactions that further emphasize you have no concern for me, my well being or our friendship. What a wonderful way to return all my love and affection. Thanks.

August 07, 2009

Love song snippets

And, baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun ....
(Poker Face by Lady Gaga)

But I knew you best, back when love was just a feeling that ran out between my legs onto the, back of my dress ....
(Two Steps Forward by Emmy the Great)

I'm gonna need a forklift cause all the baggage weighs a ton. I know we've had our problems, I can't remember one ....
(Almost by Bowling For Soup)

Picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight ... Am I supposed to be happy? With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price ....
(Cat and Mouse by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

But I hate that I love you so ... But no one in this world knows me the way you know me, so you'll probably always have a spell on me ....
(Hate That I Love You by Rihanna)

Here's to the men we love to love. Here's to the men in love with us. Here's to the men who pass on us. Fuck the men ....
(A Toast To Men by Willa Ford)

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?
(If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow)

If you love me, say it ... if you want me, show it ... you see now actions speak louder than words, so don't just say things that I've already heard ....
(If You Love Me by Brownstone)

August 04, 2009

Sand-ity for the soul

I'm a firm believer that, in order to put things in perspective and evaluate life, you need to walk away from it. You need to pack your bags and travel somewhere else. By completely removing yourself from the situation and "forcing" yourself to relax, you find that things aren't as bad as they seem. 
For me, the epiphany that the man I love no longer exists -- and subsequently, that I need to stop talking to him as if he and I are still happily together -- came within moments of arriving at a South Carolina beach. Perhaps therapists should encourage this type of session, rather than reclining on a couch and talking to a wall!