Proper etiquette with gifts

I received a gift from a co-worker that, while considerate, wasn't something I wanted. Unfortunately, he didn't include a gift receipt or return paperwork. I could attempt to return it to a local retailer, but without receipts I couldn't prove the item was originally purchased there and the store could refuse the return. I could attempt to sell the item online, but Amazon has a policy in place that makes it impossible to sell certain items during the holidays without sending them to an Amazon processing facility, so the company can vouch for their authenticity.

In the end, I did what the etiquette books say is extremely rude and should be avoided at all costs: I told him the truth. I explained that I appreciated the thought but would like the item exchanged for something else. Why should people be forced to keep items they don't want? I think re-gifting is just as bad an "etiquette sin" as being honest. And besides, don't most people buy gifts with the intention of making the other person happy?

So please, if there's any doubt the person may not like the gift you've selected, include the gift receipt.

A dream about intelligence

I had a dream last night, in which I lost my intellect. [Intellect was apparently a physical entity that could be misplaced.] I was removed from the classes I was enrolled in and chastised by various people. I remember feeling disappointed in myself and frustrated that there wasn't anything I could do. Then, for whatever reason, my intellect was "found" and I had to go to an administrative office to get my graduate student ID, which proved I was capable. I argued with one of the secretaries because she didn't believe me. So bizarre! And somehow, somewhere, there is probably a shred of truth to it!

Christmas 2010

I can't believe Christmas is only a few weeks away! Where has the time gone?

I've decorated my office with holiday flare, and it amazes me how a fake tree with twinkling lights and sparkly ornaments can really warm up a room. A layer of freshly fallen snow would complete the picture, but the weather forecast is without precipitation. It just isn't the same to look past stockings and presents to a green manicured lawn!

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! If you've been good, I hope Santa brings what was #1 on your list. If you've been naughty, well then, kudos to you too! *wink, wink*

And let's not forget those less fortunate this holiday season. Please donate to the Salvation Army kettles or your local food pantry.

Online dating

I recently joined Okcupid.com to try and meet single men in Northern Virginia. I figured that since I'm going to be here at least another year and am not getting any younger, that it was worth a shot. I'd joined eHarmony last year, but let my membership lapse after a few months because I didn't think it was worth the money. I didn't like eHarmony's communication system with all of the steps/layers you had to go through first before you could start IMing.

Anyway, I've been on Okcupid a few weeks now, and while I like it better than eHarmony, I've noticed that a lot of the men commenting on my profile are outside of my specified age range. What the heck?! I'm not interested in dating guys just out of undergrad any more than I'm interested in men in the "mid-life crisis" range. Why do these people respond to my profile when they don't meet my basic criteria? And why do older men seek out women so much younger, when there are plenty of women their own age? Wouldn't you want someone who has had similar life experiences? Geez ....

The price of being "safe"

With holiday travel right around the corner, I thought this post about airport security was spot on. I mean, seriously, how does taking off my shoes and discarding my unopened bottle of water make my flight safer? In Tennessee, I saw two TSA workers pretending to shoot each other with their hands. Sigh.

Invasion of the Body Scanners: why airport security will never work

Monday, November 15, 2010 (from www.politicalirony.com)

I’ve been seeing a lot of frustration and anger at the new security measures going into effect in airports (especially from pilots). One issue is the new millimeter ‘backscatter’ x-ray machines. Previously, only your carryon bags were x-rayed, now they are x-raying your entire body. And since these new machines penetrate clothing, but stop at your skin, they show the TSA workers an image of you essentially naked.

If you don’t like the idea of being exposed to dangerous x-rays or being viewed naked, you can opt out, in which case you are given a thorough pat-down, including your genital areas. That goes for children too. Which would you prefer: Having your child subjected to dangerous radiation so they can be viewed naked by a stranger, or having their entire body including genitals felt up by a stranger?

But my real question is, what took everyone so long? I have never understood why people put up with airport security at all. Airport security has never made us any safer.

Airport security checkpoints were originally installed because of airplane hijackings (including quite a few to Cuba). But security never stopped a single hijacking. The main reason hijacking stopped was because we were able to get treaties signed with various countries (including Cuba) that guaranteed they would prosecute hijackers. So hijackers were arrested on landing and typically returned to the US to stand trial. Once that happened, the hijackings stopped, but curiously the checkpoints didn’t. (Interestingly, the other reason hijackings stopped was because we stopped giving so much media attention to them. Unfortunately, we haven’t yet learned the lesson that in order to cause terror, the terrorist wants publicity.)

The problem is, in order for airport security to actually work, it has to be incredibly (almost impossibly) invasive. Even with the new x-ray machines any terrorist wannabe could smuggle weapons at least as dangerous as the ones used during 9/11 onto any airplane. Are we going allow the TSA to perform full body cavity searches of everyone who is going to board a plane? Seriously?

Because the only answer to “how much privacy and rights do you have to give up in order to ensure complete safety” is “every last one of them”. And even that isn’t good enough. In maximum security prisons where people have no rights and full cavity searches are done routinely, criminals manage to smuggle in weapons and other contraband. You think you can stop it at a busy airport?

Even if we could have complete and foolproof airport security (which we cannot), it would not make us any safer. In fact, it would likely make usless safe. Consider the x-ray machines. You might argue that the danger from x-rays is low, but so is the danger from terrorists. So low, in fact, the risk of dying from the x-ray machines is likely greater than the risk from being killed by a terrorist. So at best, we are getting rid of one risk (which we actually are not, since airport security is not foolproof) and substituting an even greater risk. How stupid is that?

And finally, even if we could have completely and foolproof airport security that had absolutely no risks, we would still not be any safer. Because airplanes are not the only place where we are in danger from terrorists. In fact, some people have argued that a terrorist could easily walk into an airport carrying a bomb and detonate it near a crowded airport security checkpoint. This would cause just as much terror, and shut down our air transportation system. And airport security couldn’t stop it.

As we well know, any place where large numbers of people gather could be a potential target for a terrorist bombing. For example, 9/11 killed around 3,000 people, but football stadiums hold tens of thousands of innocent people. There are many cruise ships that hold more people than were killed on 9/11, and those often operate in international waters where they cannot be protected. Even if we made airplanes (and airports) completely terrorist proof, the terrorists aren’t going to just give up. After all, the Oklahoma City bombing was carried out on an entire building, using a bomb hidden in a parked vehicle.

So what am I saying? That we shouldn’t do anything to prevent terrorism? Of course not. Installing reinforced cockpit doors on airplanes already took away the incentive for terrorists to try to pull something like 9/11 again. Not to mention the fact that passengers are now more willing to fight back against terrorists. A group of terrorists could perhaps blow up an airplane, but it would be much more difficult for them to use the airplane like a guided missile to destroy a large building.

What I’m saying is that the money being spent on airport security would be much better spent somewhere else, like investigating terrorists so we can stop them no matter if their plans target airplanes, government buildings, water supplies, or whatever. Even Forbes magazine says that we should abolish the TSA.

Isn’t this something we can all agree on? Right now, the only group benefiting from airport security are the companies who manufacture the x-ray machines, and the only winners in the war on terror are the terrorists, who would have us quaking in our boots, except we had to take those off in order to go through security.

Pregnant at 70: A misuse of science

I watched a show on TLC tonight called "Pregnant at 70". It was about three women who, thanks to in vitro fertilization (IVF), were able to have children despite being way past menopause. Two of these women (aged 58 and 70) didn't have any previous children, but one (age 64) had had 10 kids (all of whom were now adults). The women relied on IVF because they (i) wanted a child with their new husband and (ii) weren't able to get pregnant naturally. But technically, these children aren't their biological children because they had to rely on donor eggs -- so their DNA wasn't even a part of their child's.

I was appalled that physicians would allow them to proceed with the procedure so long as these much older women were physically fit to be pregnant. What about life expectancy? Ability to physically and mentally provide care for 18 years? And I got so frustrated that these women would say that they aren't worried about having a child at their age because they don't physically look or act their age! WTF does that have to do with anything? Your body -- your organs, your immune system, etc. -- is your age and will behave accordingly. I think it is incredibly selfish and irresponsible to have a child that late in your life. At some point, you need to accept the fact that you can't have it all and, for some people, that harsh reality means you won't give birth. You can still have a meaningful life!

The short term memory of the American people

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." (George Santayana)

Happy Halloween!

PhD comic

I saw this PhD comic and had to share it because I think all grad students have experienced a complete and utter brain meltdown. For me, it occurs when I'm being asked a barrage of questions that I can't answer without my lab notebook -- which is, of course, unavailable at the time. I go into a blank stare, mumble "Ahh ... I don't know off the top of my head ..." and slink slowly toward my office to procure the necessary documentation.

Superficiality in science

[Preface: I am aware that common courtesy is an integral aspect of a functional and polite society. I just wanted to rant a bit.]

Why do you say "we" when you mean "me"? Is it to make me feel like this is a team activity? You don't need to bother. I know that the protocol you mention following "we should" is what I will be doing. Without your assistance. I'd rather you just come right out and say that, instead of force me to smile and nod and play along with the superficiality.

And while we're being honest, if you ask me to do something, I take it as a request, meaning that I have the option to decline/refuse. I won't simply say yes because I'm a grad student and have no authority. If, however, I can't decline/refuse because the request is actually a command, then don't ask me. Tell me. Why give the impression of options -- that my opinion matters -- when it isn't a factor in the decision?

Expectations, standards, and the quest for perfection

I've been reading Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him: The case for setting for Mr. Good Enough" and I gotta say, she has some very valid points. A lot of women have a checklist of the desired traits we want in a partner -- sense of humor, financially stable, family-oriented, etc. However, these standards are often subjective, overly specific, and impossible to achieve. What constitutes a good sense of humor anyway? Witty banter or practical jokes? Being able to laugh at yourself or never taking anything seriously? The permutations of humor are quite varied, but not all would be acceptable.

We seek perfection in a spouse, eliminating potential mates before we've had a chance to get to know them. We seek perfection in a spouse, even though we aren't perfect ourselves. We believe adjusting our expectations to be more inclusive and cast a wider net isn't being realistic, it's settling. And settling leaves a bad taste in our mouths.

Perhaps, we really do need to focus more on the good -- the plethora of qualities our potential mate has that are desirable -- than nitpick the few that irritate us. Afterall, what good is having impossibly high expectations/standards when you end up alone?

Rain!

It is amazing how much joy a forecast of overcast skies and precipitation can bring. I thought this summer would never end, with temperatures in the upper 90's even in the last few days of September. The grass was all but dead and barren trees dotted the landscape. But today it started to rain! And it is supposed to keep raining for the next 24 hours. We haven't experienced a thorough soaking in this part of the state since June. Hell, it's all we talk about at work -- the chance of rain, how much rain other states are getting, how crops are doing without rain, etc. You'd think with such a long duration of nothing that all rain talk would've been depleted, but no, it persevered. I think my hot pink raincoat will only pale in comparison to the huge grin plastered across my face. RAIN!

Why the caged bird sings

I am a prisoner to myself. I wallow inside, in my apartment, because I have no options outside of it. I occupy my time staring out windows, wondering how things would've turned out if different choices had been made. I think of people to call, conversations to have, but never pick up the phone. I pace the hallway, dust the furniture, and convince myself that this is a passing phase. I wonder why I am alone -- if my being single is somehow a judgement of who I am. I daydream of angels and have nightmares of devils.

It is as if I am a bird, staring at the open door to my cage, and though I am slowly dying inside the metal bars, I am afraid to venture beyond them.

"I know why the caged bird sings" by Maya Angelou

... But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings with fearful trill

of things unknown but longed for still ...

for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Image from bare/not project (http://barenot.wordpress.com/page/4/).

Yet another disappointment

Am I that easy to cancel on? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "spineless"? Why am I NEVER the priority -- the thing you absolutely can't cancel, the thing you have to schedule other events around? I feel so completely replaceable. You know that I don't have anyone else to hang out with here. NO ONE. You know that leaving me with two tickets to an event doesn't make up for the fact that you, last minute, made plans with someone else. So what that you only see this friend once every 6 months. I have friends I haven't seen in years. You should've said no because you already had plans. What is difficult to understand about that? It's common courtesy.

Yet another reason I don't have a lot of faith in humanity ....

While taking out my trash yesterday, I came across a hodge-podge of usable items someone lazily left by the dumpster, including a 7 foot tall fake Christmas tree in the original box (price $88) and an orange desk lamp with lightbulb. I guess he/she just couldn't be bothered to take these things to the local Goodwill or church or sell them on Craigslist. Why do people throw away perfectly good stuff? I felt like such a hoarder dragging the tree away from the dumpster and putting it in my car, but I can't justify having undamaged things being taken to a landfill. Luckily, a guy at work said he'd take it for his son. Merry Christmas, indeed. =)

"Restoring Honor" my ass.

Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally is tomorrow in Washington D.C. Beck will be standing in almost the exact same spot that Martin Luther King, Jr. stood on August 28, 1963, but instead of advocating non-violent change and racial equality, Beck will be spewing garbage. He will talk about how progressivism is the cancer of America -- the same progressivism that helped pass the Civil Rights Act. He will talk about how American history is so entwined with Christianity that the two are basically one idea -- despite the fact that the idea for the First Amendment, which separates church and state, can be traced back to Founding Father Thomas Jefferson. He will talk about how important it is that people join the Tea Party -- a movement with no discernible connection to the original, since they (1773) were protesting a tax cut given to the East India Company whereas they (present day) are protesting big government and personal income taxation.

It's amazing anyone listens to Glenn Beck's lies.

Glenn Beck's philosophy is opposed to everything Martin Luther King, Jr. stood for

http://thinkprogress.org/2010/08/27/beck-martin-luther-king/

What do you think of her? She's got a nice smile.

I was talking to a summer employee at work today. As the conversation jumped around, he mentioned another summer employee and, when asked by a co-worker if he thought she was attractive, responded that she was a bit thick. I was so surprised that I completely spaced out on the rest of what he was saying.

Thick? Seriously?? The female in question is probably 5'4" and 120 pounds, maybe less. Perfectly normal. She wears short shorts without fear and was the beauty queen at a local county fair this summer. How could he possibly think she was thick? And if he thought she was thick, my God, he must think I'm friggin' enormous.

And then my surprise turned to frustration and anger. Does he have any idea how many women hate their bodies because they don't match what the (unattainable) perception of ideal beauty is? Does he have any idea how much of a struggle women endure, constantly being judged on physical appearance? Women have to fight to be taken seriously as equals, and our bodies are scrutinized more harshly at every step of the way.

Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but I know that his comment drastically altered my opinion of him.

19th Amendment

Chamber Blames Women For Pay Gap: They Should Choose The Right ‘Place To Work’ And ‘Partner At Home’

Today is the anniversary of the passage of the 19th amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which granted the right to vote to women. The U.S. Chamber of Commerce has decided to use this day of equal rights for women to argue that women are now to blame for unequal pay in the workplace. On the organization’s official blog, ChamberPost, Senior Director of Communications Brad Peck today makes the argument that the pay gap between men and women in the American workforce — women currently earn roughly 77 cents to every dollar a man earns — is “the result of individual choice rather than discrimination.” He argues that, instead of bold legislative action being taken to help correct this pay gap, women should pick the “obvious, immediate, power-of-the-individual solution: choosing the right place to work and choosing the right partner at home“:

Most of the current “pay gap” is the result of individual choice rather than discrimination. [...]

It is true that culturally speaking women are more likely to have to make the tough choices about work-life balance. But as we all seek to fit our values into a dynamic 24/7 economy, let’s not overlook the obvious, immediate, power-of-the-individual solution: choosing the right place to work and choosing the right partner at home.

Peck’s argument that women could close the pay gap by simply choosing jobs in better paying fields and marrying wealthier men is based on a faulty premise — that the pay gap in the United States between genders exists because women choose to work for less and men choose to work for more.

While it’s true that women sometimes migrate into fields that have lower pay, what Peck ignores is that even within the same occupation, women are paid less. For example, data collected by the Census Bureau in 2007 shows that “female secretaries…earn just 83.4% as much as male ones” and female truck drivers “earn just 76.5% of the weekly pay of their male counterparts.” A report put out this year by the University of Minnesota finds that women in that state are “are paid $11,000 dollars less each year than men with the same jobs.” A 2007 American Association of University Women report compared men and women with similar “hours, occupation, parenthood, and other factors normally associated with pay” and found that “college-educated women still earn less than their male peers earn“; the report concludes that workplace discrimination is the culprit in the wage gap.

It is important to note that this pay inequity is so pervasive that it even affects people who undergo a sex change. In 2008, researchers Kristen Schilt and Matthew Wiswall examinedthe wages over their lifetimes of people before and after a sex change operation. Even “when controlling for factors like education, men who transitioned to women earned, on average, 32% less after the surgery. Women who became men, on the other hand, earned 1.5% more.”

Unfortunately, the Chamber of Commerce has a long history of overlooking women’s struggles in America and of actively opposing movements for gender equality. While opposing the Pregnancy Discrimination Act in 1978, the Chamber argued that pregnancy was a “voluntary” act and thus should not have discrimination protections in the workplace. In 1987 it ominously warned that the Family and Medical Leave Act would set a “dangerous precedent” of employer-sponsored benefits. And last year, the organization lobbied against legislation that would allow rape victims to bring lawsuits against their employers.

http://thinkprogress.org/2010/08/18/chamber-gender-pay/

Toxic Love

This song is being played on the radio a lot lately, and at first, I didn't understand what it was about. I was too caught up in the words. Then I watched the music video. I get it now -- I understand. The song is about being involved with someone you love and hate, all at the same time. You know the relationship is toxic -- that he hurts you more deeply than anyone ever has before -- but the chemistry between you is so addictive, it makes you so delirious, that you can't stop, you can't walk away. When it is good, it is so good, and when it is bad, it is so bad. But you are a moth drawn to a flame. You'd rather the fire lick your wings, burn away your life, than not know what the experience is like. Damn!

The perils of dressing cute

I've been attempted to update my wardrobe the last few months. I think I realized how dim it was during Snowmageddon, when I was stuck at the apartment for a week straight and felt the need to re-organize and clean things I normally don't even think about. [Like those things you stick to the shower floor to help provide traction. Yeah, I thoroughly cleaned those.] It was on day 5 that I fully accepted the fact that (1) I have way more Tshirts than any one person should have and (2) the majority of them were freebies. So I've been buying more varied (i.e. non-Tshirt) clothing.

But this branching out into fashion has caused me to run into a dilemma. How do I balance my desire to look cute/sexy/young/hip with the increased, unwanted attention from creepy people? There are certain people I work (indirectly) with that I don't want gawking at me. It gives me the willies. And it certainly isn't polite to flip them off when their eyes linger. I guess the obvious solution is to put on an over-sized sweatshirt when I get to work ... or shut my door.