He Loves Me But...
He tells me he loves me but that love just isn't enough. I always thought that I had enough love for both of us. If I just loved him enough. If I was just good enough. If I just held on long enough.
He talks to me about the reality of our situation. He makes excuses. He says he loves me. He tells me all the reasons why we failed. Why he wasn't good enough. Why I wasn't good enough. I think to myself that I just need to remain calm. Don't fly off the handle. Don't give him the tears and the yelling he is expecting. If I just hold on he will change his mind.
He wishes things were different. He says he loves me. He's sorry but he can't put himself through this anymore. He tells me all the places we went wrong. All the ways that prove he has made the right decision. I think to myself about all the good that was between us. I wonder how he can't remember any of that. I wonder if he has found someone new. I yell at myself in my head, "Remain calm!" Just hang on. He loves me right?
Slowly the words start to sink in. He keeps telling me he loves me but... There is no but after "I love you". You love someone or you don't. You give yourself to someone with your whole heart. You trust them. You love them. You share your fears, your hopes, your dreams, and even the ugliest parts you keep hidden deep down inside you.
I start to cry. He brushes my bangs back from my forehead and wipes my tears. I want to slap him. He says he loves me. I call him a liar. If he loved me, truly loved me, he wouldn't be doing this. He gave up. He always promised he would never give up on me. On us. He lied.
He kisses me softly on the lips. Just a breath of a kiss. He takes me by the hand and leads me to the bedroom. Silently, in the dark, I allow him to undress me. He lays beside me on the bed and explores my body like he is trying to burn the images into his brain. He whispers over and over that he loves me. When it is over he asks me to stay the night. One last time. I slowly get up and get dressed. I lean over to kiss him and I walk away without saying a word.
I love him ... but I don't.