July 21, 2009

Online diary

I've never been a big fan of diaries.  I use to have them when I was young (i.e. in elementary school) but most of my entries were written in anger. And contrary to common knowledge, I never did gain much satisfaction out of writing in them. Seemed like a waste of money to me. Since the breakup, however, I've felt the need to reconnect with myself. [Hell, it isn't like I have much else to do!] Though I don't intend for anyone to really follow this, I hope it will help me work through my demons and come to peace with the situation.

So ... to get you up to speed, I had been dating a wonderful man for 8 months. I thought he was my soulmate. Sure, there were issues. A significant age gap. The uncertainty of where my job search will take me. Family drama. But, in my mind, none of these were deal breakers. The way I felt about him was different than I had ever felt about anyone, even my ex-fiance. I was devastated when he broke up with me. He was my best friend, and we spent every weekend hanging out.

I want to be angry at him. I want to yell until my voice is hoarse. I want to throw things, break things, because I believe the sound of shattering will help. But instead, I feel exactly the same way I did before this disaster. I'm still in love with him. Instead of saying that I deserve better, good riddance to bad rubbish, I beat myself up, convinced that, somehow, I wasn't enough.

I'm trying to crawl out of the hole I've been in for the past month, but it is slow going. Please bear with me.