November 12, 2009
My personal hell
It's been 4 months since the breakup, yet, sometimes, it doesn't feel like a day has gone by. I know that healing it a time-sensitive process and that keeping busy is essential. But I'm stuck. I have to see him every weekday. Do you know what that's like? Seeing the person you loved more than anything in the world, and being reminded every time you see him that you're no longer together? Because he wanted to be free of obligation. Because he thought you'd be better of alone. Do you know what it's like to have your whole support system ripped away from you? To live in an area hundreds (if not thousands) of miles away from your friends? To go out of your way to try to meet new people, only to have these strangers look at you like you're less than they are? Do you know what it's like to desperately love and absolutely hate someone all at the same time? If I act like everything is fine, then I'm in denial about the whole situation -- that we aren't even friends anymore. If I act like a victim or a scorned lover, then I lose the only social interaction I have in a day (i.e. with co-workers) and have to face all the painful memories in an even more isolated mindset. Welcome to my personal hell.