June 10, 2010

Friends with an Ex

I've never been friends with an ex-boyfriend before. I tried once before but it was a moot point. We had both become so hostile to each other that our communications were nothing but an opportunity to one-up the other person. The few times we hung out together were so awkward. It was like being back in the relationship, listening to music I didn't like while pretending to be interested. And, besides that, I don't date to make friends. Who does?

With my most recent ex, the situation is more complicated. And while I strive to be his friend -- for my own sanity -- it is like constantly ripping the scab off of a cut. I have to forgo my own hurt feelings that another phone call wasn't returned, so that I can be the friend who listens to all the other shit going wrong in his life. I have to stifle my anger to cheer him on, to tell him he's a good person, even though he broke my heart. I make such an effort to be there for him, to be a true friend, and yet he makes no effort to be mine.
"I was going where I shouldn't go,
seeing who I shouldn't see,
doing what I shouldn't do,
and being who I shouldn't be.
A little voice told me it's all wrong,
another voice told me it's all right.
I used to think I was strong
but lately I've lost the fight
It's funny how falling feels like flying for a little while ...."
['Fallin' and Flyin' from the movie Crazy Heart]