Friends with an Ex

I've never been friends with an ex-boyfriend before. I tried once before but it was a moot point. We had both become so hostile to each other that our communications were nothing but an opportunity to one-up the other person. The few times we hung out together were so awkward. It was like being back in the relationship, listening to music I didn't like while pretending to be interested. And, besides that, I don't date to make friends. Who does?

With my most recent ex, the situation is more complicated. And while I strive to be his friend -- for my own sanity -- it is like constantly ripping the scab off of a cut. I have to forgo my own hurt feelings that another phone call wasn't returned, so that I can be the friend who listens to all the other shit going wrong in his life. I have to stifle my anger to cheer him on, to tell him he's a good person, even though he broke my heart. I make such an effort to be there for him, to be a true friend, and yet he makes no effort to be mine.

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"I was going where I shouldn't go,

seeing who I shouldn't see,

doing what I shouldn't do,

and being who I shouldn't be.

A little voice told me it's all wrong,

another voice told me it's all right.

I used to think I was strong

but lately I've lost the fight

It's funny how falling feels like flying for a little while ...."

['Fallin' and Flyin' from the movie Crazy Heart]

Sides to a person

I can always tell when I'm really comfortable with someone.  I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, even if it is embarrassing or silly, and I laugh so hard I cry.  That's how I know I trust the person with the real me.  No masks.  No careful editing.  But sometimes, for one reason or another, I feel that I have to show only certain sides of me.  For example, there's a guy I work with, and although we're friends, he has never seen the real me.  I'm very careful not to be too vocal about my political or religious thoughts.  [He's the complete opposite with no room for discussion.]  I'm very careful not to divulge items I intend to purchase [as they tend to show up on my desk.]  I'm a toned-down diluted version of me.  And while he thinks we're such good friends, I know that it's all a half-truth.  But I do it because it's what I want.

Dude, I'm never going to sleep with you.

One of my male friends has a crush on me. It's so painfully obvious that it takes all my restraint to not blurt out something inappropriate. [Like "Dude, I'm never going to sleep with you so give up!"] That knowledge, coupled with his personality, makes me feel like I have to censor myself -- what I say, the amount of emotion in my comments, etc. I can't be the brutally honest [true] version of myself, and, sometimes, it is exhausting to engage in conversations with him. Because I'm aware of the crush he has on me, I am the one with all the power in our friendship. If I mention a TV series I find interesting, he'll start watching it. But I won't reciprocate by watching something just because he does. I want to tell him that constant fawning and placating won't change my lack of attraction, but at the same time, I don't want to acknowledge [out loud] that that is what is happening. I keep hoping that if I ignore it and am hyper-vigilant about stressing how he's my friend, that the crush will fade away. So here's to that ....